Posts Tagged 'Doctrine'

Pastafarian Transtubstantiation

pastaaaaaaForget Catholic Transubstatiation, Pastafarian Transubstation is where it’s at. Those Catholics want you to think crackers turn into Jesus, and we all know Jesus was no cracker. Nor was he a honky.

No man, cook up a plate of pasta, and as you eat it, it’ll totally turn into the Flying Spaghetti Monster! Think about it: spaghetti is already 1/3 of the FSM, all it needs to do is fly and be a monster. Not only is it holy, it’s delicious. Can I get a r’amen?


With Friends Like God, Who Needs Enemies?

god The lord is eternally merciful. Unless you disagree with his teachings. Then he’s a real asshole.

For most of your life, God does an exceptionally good job staying hidden. So good a job that some people don’t even believe he exists. But don’t listen to them! For if you do, you’ll soon learn that after you die, he quickly un-hides himself. Surprise! And guess what? Turns out the only thing he wanted you to do during your measly little life was to believe he exists, although, y’know, thou shall not kill or whatever too. But mainly, believe in God.

If you murder a bunch of people but you still believe in his holiness, it’s chill. God’ll radio his omnipotent bouncer, St. Peter, and have him let you into a totally awesome place. But if you don’t believe in him, don’t be surprised if God goes Mr. T on your ass and knocks you straight into hell, a place with lots of lava and no fire extinguishers.

If that sounds unfair, it isn’t. God knows that all crimes from murder to cow tipping deserve equal punishment: burning forever in hell. Makes sense to me! But even if you manage to live your life without doing anything wrong, you’ll still go to hell, because some girl ate an apple a million years ago, and guess what? God’s decided it was your fault. Any questions? Take it up with Satan.

But if you just believe in him, God’ll let you into heaven. Isn’t that nifty? Hey, what was that rustle outside that I used to think was either the wind or a rabid squirrel? Oh my God! I think it’s God! He’s just touched me, and I’m feeling so religious, I’m going to go out and steal a car. God’s got my back, and I know that no matter how much I screw up down here, I’ll always have an invitation to that great keg party in the sky.


I’m starting this blog as an outlet for my thoughts on religion, it successes, shortfalls, and how I get along without it. As an atheist and secularist, I often get accused of only believing in “cold logic”, to which I respond, “What’s so cold about it?" Just because I think critically where where religious people don’t doesn’t make me cold, immoral or unfeeling. I’m not anti-religious per se, though I feel some religious practices do get a free ride where they shouldn’t. The main reason I’m an atheist is that I think a life lived on secular priciples is a better way to live. In reading this, you’ll probably see plenty of ideas you’ve heard before, and hopefully a few you haven’t. With any luck, you’ll understand where I’m coming from, and we’ll both be better off.
The Out Campaign: Scarlet Letter of Atheism
(image: happy human)

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